20 years...

Last weekend was my 20 year high school reunion.  I was all like...20 years?  WTH?  Have I been asleep all that time?  HOW could 20 years pass? But alas, it did.  I found it funny the way I found out about it:  hubby and I were watching an episode of "Cold Case" that revolved around a 10 year reunion.  My class did not have one but hubby's did and we went and had a decent time.  That made me realize my 20th was coming and he asked if I would go if they had one.  I said sure, why not but I was not expecting it because there was no 10th.  NO LIE, folks, not 10 minutes later as the eppy was ending I saw someone post the link to the reunion info LOL.  I checked it out and figured we could go.  It is only a 4 hour drive to Pittsburgh plus it was the week after my daughter's birthday so we could do something with her as a real adult.  And so we did.  Had a night out Friday night and a luncheon on Saturday and actually had a good time.  I saw folks I had not seen since graduation day.  And, truth be told, I was shocked that everyone who showed up actually remembered me!  Though some did not recall I had a kid between junior and senior years.  That's ok tho LOL.    A lot of us commented on how so many of us looked the same.  THEN...at the lunch, someone busted out the yearbooks.  Our memories must have been clouded by all the hairspray we used in high school! LOL.  Oh, the HAIR!  I swear, our parents should have held stock in AquaNet!  And things we forgot about until someone mentioned them.  It was nice.

There were folks that did not come who i wish would have.  A couple folks I have kept in touch with at some time in the last 20 years and it was great to see them again.  The folks I have not seen or heard from in all these years?  Still had a great time chatting and catching up.  Meeting the hubbies.  Seeing photos of the kidlets.  Showing off my own, of course!  Our class was only about 120-125 and of those I think I saw 25-30 folks between events.  With Facebook, maybe more of us can keep in touch every so often.

Burnout?

I wonder if I have found the root to my problems...my irritability, crankiness, soreness, tiredness...all of it.  I think I am burnt out.  I go to the gym or do some other activity all the time and I am not seeing the results I want to or think I should see.  Spending 6 days a week at the gym, sometimes 2x a day, apparently was not enough right?  So what do I do?  add more stuff!  And nothing changes.  And folks say "it is OK to take a break" but in my mind, taking a break=failure.  Even though I already feel like I have failed, I'd feel like a quitter on top of it.  So I keep pushing.  But is it really worth it?  To be cranky all the time, to be so easily driven to tears over the littlest things, to be so snippy with my kids and even my husband?  Why do I keep killing myself at my own expense as well as others?  I added this whole running (well, walk/jog) thing in to my routine and I am SORE.  I am TIRED.  I don't feel I am getting any better at it.  I'd like to run a 5k someday, but a 5k in 44 minutes it really stinky.  Yeah it has only been 2 1/2 weeks with the running thing.  I am still unsure about it.  But I keep pushing it.  My knees, hips, back all are screaming at me.  But I am ignoring them.  Why?  I have NO idea.  Apparently, I have issues LOL.  I guess having to cart everyone here, there and everywhere all thru the winter and spring was not my main problem after all, or else I would feel better by now!  Its not them, its me.  Some of the time anyway!

We have a long weekend away coming up.  Maybe it is coming at the right time.  Then we have a week away shortly after.  Again, probably coming at the right time.  I won't completely take off from working out, but maybe I will take it at a more relaxed pace.  I know I need to unwind, to mellow out.  I am sure my family would agree.  Maybe a more relaxed schedule will help out.  i guess we will see....

Catching up...

It has been a while.  A long while. A busy while.  Once March hit these parts, our schedule blew up with activities and kids needs to be here, there and everywhere.  Crazy!! 
We had our first foray into high school sports, which was very eye-opening.  AJ made the JV softball team...and languished on the bench while other, less skilled players saw a bulk of the playing time.  Sour grapes?  Heck no.  We watched girls strike out looking at perfect pitches, girls doing half-assed jobs of fielding batted balls and a head coach who barely knew her ass from third base.  What we noticed?  The girls whose parents had their noses up the coach's ass were the ones who saw all the playing time, regardless of skill.  AJ stuck it out, she played thru injury and illness and did not let things get to her too much.  She did toss around the idea of going back to house league, but she would not be challenged enough there.  Next year, there will be at least 6 spots open on Varsity so hopefully she can shag one of those.  That would make her happy.
Noah played baseball again, this year a combination of coach pitch and player pitch.  He did well, getting most of his hits surprisingly off of the player pitching.  He led the team in stolen bases (can only steal during the player pitch innings).  Batted .300 after a rocky start and was patient enough for a .481 on base percentage.  This was the first set of teammates in any sport that he has played so far that, for the most part, did not take advantage of him and the fact he can be provoked very easily.  He did not mind going to practice because he had fun.  Noah can break down very easily, and I think I figured out that he gets that from me.  Ack!!  He still has his moments but this group of boys did not take advantage of that just to see him cry.  I appreciated that so much!!
Nick gave up baseball 2 years ago, but this year he took on the job of umpiring.  He got paid for it, which thrilled him to no end of course!  He also was invited to play on an AAU Basketball team by his coach from winter house league.  A WAY more physical, competitive league of basketball.  But he was up for the challenge and did well.  he did not get as much playing time as he would have liked, but that happens in more competitive leagues where playing time is not determined by rules but by needs.  He made the most of his time on the court and said he would do it again if given the opportunity.  We'll see if it ever comes up again!
Now...we are FREE.  Until the 1st week of August.  No pressing engagements.  We have a couple road trips planned.  That is about it.  Once August 6th gets here, our free time is toast cuz that is when football starts and that is practice 5 nights a week until school starts.  This will be Nick's last year in house league ::sniffle:::   But lets not rush it!! :)

Personally, it has been up and down for me.  I know I posted before about my gym schedule and my attempts to lose some weight.  Its been a ride.  I have not lost as much as I had hoped or as much as I figured I should have given my workouts and eating habits.  That is discouraging.  I have lost about 11lbs since Valentine's day (about 17 weeks or so), and have gone down 1 more size.  I have not been a size 16 since...sheesh...I really can not tell you when.  Middle school?? Maybe Freshman year???  That is great, I know, but also a workout on the wallet LOL.  At least with shorts and pants, if I have a belt I can wear them longer.  But with tops...I sure can't wear them if I am falling out of them!  Great but sad, especially when i had to ditch some tops I was quite fond of.  But part of me still feels that I have been a failure since all of my free time is spent at the gym and I am, for the most part, watching what I am eating.  I mean sure, we have cheat days...all the so-called experts day you should do that, or at the very least do not deny your cravings all the time.  And usually cheat days occur on a day with a heavier workout load anyway.  The scale shows change, my clothes show change...but *I* am having the problem,  When I look in the mirror, I see the same girl who was staring back at me 80+lbs ago.  My eyes see no change.  It kinda gives me a new glimpse and understanding on how anorexics and bulimics see themselves as still fat even when their bones are showing.  Folks tell me they see changes, that I look good, but I get to be at a loss for words because *I* do not see it.  At all.  I still see the same person I have been looking at for years and years.  And so my next step is to figure out how to change that.  Where to begin, I have NO idea.

I have started on a new adventure of sorts...attempting to work up to running a 5k.  I tried the Couch to 5k program in the past, but got to week 7 and quit because I could not run 25 minutes in a row.  So I did more reading and started up again, this time with a self-made program.  5k is about 3.1 miles, and I have been walk/jogging that in 42-45 minutes. (just hit my personal best of 42:40 this week).  5 minutes warm up, then 3 minutes of running/2 minutes of walking until I hit those 3.1 miles.  All of this on a treadmill, so I can control my speed and such.  yesterday, I made my first attempt to do this outside while Nick was in karate class, lapping the building where the karate studio is and the one behind it about 7 times.  I had been told 1 lap was about 1/2 mile but I mapped it after we got home last night and its only about .4 miles.  So I only did about 2.8 miles in 39 minutes.  not quite 3 miles.  but the whole outside thing?  Different!  My body hurts from the impact, my throat hurt for hours from the breathing.  But I will try it again.  Eventually. LOL.  Finding time to "run", in addition to the time I already spend at the gym...that can prove to be a challenge.  But I am trying!

I don't have many friends.  I am not sure why that it, but that has been the case for my entire life.  I have survived.  Recently, I had someone who was a friend basically dump me, claiming I was too negative.  Well...gee...if I can't vent to friends about stuff, who CAN I vent to?  And seriously, I don't do it a lot.  And I have not said much about most things that make me sad or mad or upset.  Most of the time I feel any issues I have pale in comparison to what some others are going through, so I keep my mouth shut.  But I saw where folks who were friends having fun and get-togethers and leaving me out in the cold.  It made me sad.  I commented on it.  And it got me dumped.  Any close friend that I have had in my life has pretty much dumped on me, from childhood all the way up till now.  I always imagined there is something fundamentally wrong with me.  Too fat, too white, too ugly, too stupid, too smart...who knows.  Maybe I am just better suited to keep to myself.  I have 4 kids who are older than the kids most folks my age have.  I have a husband who I like to spend time with, not necessarily escape from.  I like to watch football and baseball and really don;t adore shopping.  I have decided that I guess I need to just be happy with that and not try and be somebody I am not.  Here I am, take me or leave me.  Any takers?? LOL

My oldest turned 21 today.  It seems like this time has flown right on by.  I can't believe my daughter is old enough to go out drinking with me!!  My 20th HS reunion is next weekend and shoot, she could come out to happy hour with us LOL.  Scary thought!  These kids, they grow up wayyyyyy too fast.  WAY too fast.

More family stuff...

I am sure everyone had that ONE family member...or 2 or 3 lol...who really just PISSES you off.  I imagine it comes with the "family" territory.

My aunt is one of those people.  She is driving my family batty!  She is married to my dad's brother, and unfortunately several years back he had a pretty bad stroke so she has been his caretaker.  Stressful, even though he really recovered better than anyone expected.  He is mobile, mentally coherent, etc.  But his wife takes control over EVERYTHING.  My uncle has power of attorney over my grandmother, and as such his wife thinks SHE can make all the decisions.  And of course he goes along with it.

Sp the time came back in October that my grandmother had to be put into a nursing home.  She is 98, btw.  Before that, my oldest daughter and my mom had been doing the bulk of the caretaking...being with her, helping her out, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, etc.  My grandmother is stubborn and did insist on doing stuff on her own, and my mom (yep, my mom...who has been divorced from my dad for 18 years...takes care of her former MIL because she WANTED to,,my dad does as little as possible.  Go figure) and daughter let her do so within reason.  She would mop the floor (by sitting on a chair and scooching around the small kitchen LOL), she had been known to make her way down to the basement to do laundry (my dad installed railings to the upstairs and basement so that there was a rail on each side of the stairs.), she still liked to cook (we had bought her a crockpot...no fuss meals easy!).  But she is 98, and became more and more limited.  And my aunt took over everything...especially the money.  Told my grandmother she could not have her hair done, it was too expensive.  Told her she needed to stop buying certain groceries (basically, the goodies for the kids that she kept at the house for visits).  Would come by at the beginning of the month and give my grandmother her "allowance."  made my mom and Jenna account for every penny.  Even if my grandmother told them keep the change, they couldn't.  It was frustrating, but nothing could be done.  Everyone grinned and bore it. (my famous quote:  she can't take the money with her when she dies.  God don't take checks.  Let the woman buy a box of cookies!!!!!).  Then my grandmother had an episode and it was decided she could no longer live in the home she has lived in for 60+ years.

My grandmother will be 99 next month.  She has been cooped up in the nursing home for months.  We wanted to take her out for a birthday dinner.  We had done so in the past, never really ON her birthday, but usually the weekend afterwards so that we could make the drive up there and be part of it.  She loves Olive Garden.  Its about 5 minutes from the home.  Sounded great!  UNTIL...my aunt decided its not a good idea.  Oh the work involved...have to have her cane and take the wheelchair too in case she gets tired.  What if she has to go to the bathroom.  What if she gets tired walking.  Blah blah.  Ok look, we KNOW whats involved.  Nobody asked HER to do anything, yet she is acting as if we are asking her to go build the freaking ark!  My daughter talked to her and was treated rather rudely.  My aunt even asked "do you want to for this for her or for you" and made comments such as "well its not like you have a tradition with her" and "we have spent every birthday and Mother's Day with her for the last 20 years."  It has been TRADITION that I drive up with my family every year around March 15th to celebrate my grandmother's birthday.  Whether we go to Olive Garden or KFC (another of her faves) or even just have lunch at her house, we do SOMETHING.  THAT is tradition, is it not?  My aunt suggested just bringing stuff to the home.  Jenna said she's have to talk to her family about it.  My aunt was all like "we are all family."  Um, huh?  If we are all family, why are you treating the rest of us like pariahs?  My mom treks out to the home every week for Bingo with my grandmother...my brother goes out at least once a week...Jenna too.  We would if we lived closer.  Them?  Once a month if lucky.  Decisions?  All made unilaterally by my aunt, with no care for what anyone else may have to say.  If that is the definition of family, man we have all been overachieving.  Because if we were all family, then maybe you would not be acting like the queen bitch!

We have no choice but to accept the fact we are not "allowed" to take my grandmother out.  We gotta take food to the home.  Well, that is the plan for now.  I am waiting for "oh you guys can have whatever you want but Nunny has to have what we tell her she can."  Or some other excuse that we can't do something special for her at all.  Because we have no tradition.  The woman is going to be 99, I think she deserves a plate of pasta and a bowl of soup and salad!  and CAKE!  and maybe a walk OUTSIDE with some fresh air.  It is not a lot to ask!!

When my grandmother passes, that funeral is gonna ignite one huge fireball.  Its gonna be a mess.  There are still some hard feelings lingering from way back when Nunny's sister passed and my uncle tried to take over things, even though her daughter was perfectly capable of handling things.  He tried to move in and make decisions he had no right to make.  I guess this time, he has the paperwork behind him.  His wife makes the decision and he just OKs everything she says.  I do NOT understand how 2 loving, caring folks like my grandparents gave birth to 2 of the most hardheaded, selfish idiots to walk the face of the earth.

Family.  Can't live with em, can't kick their asses!!

Religion and family...

Right up front, I am gonna say it...we are not religious folks.  Oh the horror!  But yup, its true.  Has been for a while.  Both hubby and I were raised Catholic.  That might just explain it all LOL.  I was never super involved with the Church.  Rudy was as a teenager.  As we grew up and reached the age of reason, we both starting thinking for ourselves.  It was one of the many things we had in common when we met.  Over the years, the Catholic guilt still poked at us...even though we had a perfectly acceptable wedding my in in-laws backyard, we caved to pressure and had a Church wedding as well a year and a half later.  All 4 kids are baptized.  We sent 3 of our kids to CCD.  Jenna got her communion and was confirmed, AJ and Nick have both had communion.  Noah, however, has never had any inkling of religious education because by the time he was old enough, we finally shed the Catholic guilt.   Most of it anyway.  While my mom has finally let up, and no longer hounds us about going to church and such, my MIL still does.  It all came up again this week when she was trying to get Rudy go enroll Noah in CCD this coming fall because, of course, he is "behind."  Aside from the fact that the church we would go to charges a lot of money to enroll in CCD classes (which, look, I would not mind paying $10 for the book, but come on...why do I need to pay the church $150 to teach my kids about their faith?  And there is NO homeschooling in religious ed, unless you already homeschool for regular school...and even then, its on a case by case basis.), we have had several conversations with my MIL about why we no longer relate with the Catholic faith, the main one being we do have minds and beliefs of our own and our ideas do not jibe with the Catholic church's teachings.  For instance, we believe in gay marriage, we believe women should be given equal opportunities (ie, women should be priests, girls should be altar servers, etc), we believe in birth control, yada yada yada.  Of course for all that we are going to hell LOL. (we never told MIL when Rudy got snipped, because he did not want to hear any lectures on THAT. lol)  Instead of respecting our decision, my MIL continually hounds Rudy (not me so much, because I rarely speak with her...not because I don't want to, but because when seh calls him, its usually when he is at work and so I am not around at those times.).  Whether its about religious ed for the kids, going to church or reading/watching daily videos on YouTube (not sure exactly all she checks out, but it mostly relates to Fatima and Mary, etc.).  Just when we think she has stopped, she brings it up again.  It is enough to make me scream STOP IT ALREADY!!!!!!!  But I don't.  Neither does Rudy.  He just says he does not want to discuss it.  My FIL seems to respect our choices, for which I am thankful...no double-teaming there.  And while my own mom is not particularly happy, she also respects it.  She's be happy if we went to ANY church, not necessarily a Catholic one.  My MIL would most likely have a fit if we did such a thing.  But I can not walk into a church and proclaim to believe the things they teach when i don't.  Now, my mom has about 95% the same thoughts and beliefs as I do, yet she still goes to church and professes her faith.  Great, if she can reconcile that with her own conscience.  Even better that she does not hound us anymore. maybe because she understands finally why we think the way we do.  And I surely do not want to alienate my MIL, nor does Rudy...so we do keep our mouths shut for the most part.  But UGH it gets annoying!  I should NOT have to defend myself or my beliefs to anyone.  Don't judge me! lol.
Ever see the movie "Dogma?"  It was so on point for us!!  But my MIL would faint and curse it to hell, I am sure of it!!

Emotions

As I was reading a blog and shedding a tear for an online acquaintance's loss, I recalled when I was younger my mom accused me of having no emotions.  Even worse, of being like my father! (That's pretty much a huge insult to me...seriously.).  Now, yeah, we do tease me mom because she will cry at the drop of a hat.  But to think she expects everyone else to do the same...silly!  Yes, of course, I have emotions.  No, I do not always show them.  In fact, a majority of the time I do keep them internalized.  Why?  Because I do get upset or emotional at small things, and I just don't need to advertise it.  Maybe something I get emotional about would seem silly to someone else.  And in my many, many years of low self esteem and of trying to be sure people like, or at least tolerate, me, I did not want to show "weakness."  But you know, why would showing emotions be considered weak?  Maybe I don't wanna be the crazy lazy who cries at the drop of a hat LOL.  Then again, I do find myself getting emotional or teary-eyes at the littlest things.  At Nick's last football game in November, I was thinking about how just a short year from then, Nick would be playing not only in his final A league game, but in his final house/"pee wee" league game period before moving on to possibly playing high school ball.  Not only that, but also how at the same time next year Noah would be playing his final C league game, thus ending an affiliation we have had with that particular team (Nick played on that team in C league too) for 6 of the last 7 years.  I did shed a tear or 2 last year when Jenna graduated from pastry school and was also recognized for doing so with a 4.0 GPA.  I found myself tearing up the other night while reading a book...something I can't recall doing before LOL.  I have cried myself to sleep over things as well.  Being sure, of course, that nobody can see so that I do not have to explain myself.  No explanations means nobody can tell me how silly I am.  I do the same thing when I am mad...I stew to myself so I do not have to explain myself.  I am sure some of the stuff I get annoyed or ticked about most folks would find silly or they might think I was a tad irrational.  I am thankful I have a couple hours to myself on most days.  I can be alone and let it all out.  Then, I can face the world with my happy face.  I gotta be around kids, I sure don't want to be cranky! 

Just because someone can't or won't show emotions in front of people does not mean they do not have feelings.  Maybe their feelings are more fragile than you might think.

More BS+small updates

So, Nick comes home from basketball practice last night and says he heard some kids got in trouble at school for bringing/having pot brownies.  He heard up to 20 kids got busted and were going to be suspended.  What a bunch of boneheads right?  Nick said he would talk to his locker neighbor, as it seems his sister may have been involved in the incident.

So later in the evening we get a recorded message in the phone from the principal saying "There was a great deal of social media activity tonight stating that up to 20 students have been expelled from school for an alleged offense. This is not true. Our school system's disciplinary system does not impose instant punishments for any offense. When severe punishment, such as a suspension or expulsion, is imposed, it is done only after a thorough investigation at the school and review at the central office. I'm asking you please do not contribute to the misinformation being spread. Thank you."

I was APPALLED at the gall and the bullshit in this message!!!!!!   This is the biggest load of bullshit in the history of bullshit!  When Jenna got busted with the tylenol, her suspension was effective IMMEDIATELY.  INSTANT.  No investigation (unless the searching of her bag was the alleged "investigation").  No review by the central office.  Just "hey, we're right, you're wrong now get out."


I swear any kids who brought or ingested pot brownies at school better get suspended and sent to the 30 day program at the alternative school.  If not, I will be SOOOO angry!  Not that I can do much, except maybe write a letter to the school board.  But if my kid was caught with a LEGAL substance in her backpack and was treated as if it were illegal under the so-called zero tolerance policy, these kids with ILLEGAL substances better be punished just as severely!!!!!  Hopefully Nick can get some valid information.  I sure don't count on the school being honest and letting the parents know what is really going on, but it would be nice if they did.  This story got to several news outlets so it is public knowledge.  The Sheriff has confirmed the incident.  So I am sure there will be a lot of inquiries!


Another small update...AJ informed me that it seems one of the kids who was instrumental in bullying her is "leaving school."  Not sure why, but it sounds as if he was busted for something else and may himself be heading for a 10 day suspension and a 30 day stint at the alternative school.  Of course she can't get specifics due to privacy, but she feels a little better knowing one of the main instigators will be gone for a while.  Maybe that kid's merry band of idiots will pipe down in his absence.


One last thing...I am somewhat happy to report that the man who was accused of harming Jenna's friend's son ended up pleading out.  To a lesser charge, yes, which is unfortunate BUT as understood, 10 more months in jail (in addition to the 2 he has been in so 1 year served) plus a year of probation.  I think I heard something about anger management classes, but not sure about that, will have to confirm.  But that would be a good thing.  AND it seems as if the guy has gotten the crap beat out of him a few times while he has been in.  Sweet justice, IMO. This was not the first kid he has hurt, sadly.  Hopefully it will be the last.  Though I won't hold my breath.  But we can dream, right??